***A man gives his son an electric bass for his 15th birthday, along with a coupon for four bass lessons. When the son returns from his first lesson, the father asks, ‘So, what did you learn?’
’Well, I learned the first five notes on the E string.’

Next week, after the second lesson, the father again asks about the progress, and the son replies, ‘this time I learned the first five notes on the A string.’

One week later, the son comes home far later than expected, smelling of cigarettes and beer. So the father asks, ‘hey, what happened in today's lesson?’

’Dad, I'm sorry but I couldn't make it to my lesson. I had a gig!’***

***A missionary goes to the most remote part of jungle. As soon as he arrives in the village he is to visit, he hears drums beating wildly in the distance. He asks the Chief what the drums mean. The Chiefs reply is "Drums play, good. Drums stop, bad." During the missionaries entire month long stay he frequently asks the Chief about the continuous drumming. The Chiefs reply is always the same. "Drums play good. Drums stop bad. Finally as the missionary is leaving he asks the Chief again about the drumming. The Chief says "Drums play, g..." "I know, I know" says the missionary. "Drums play, good. Drums stop, bad. But why is it bad when the drums stop?" The Chief shakes his head and says" Drums stop, bass solo. ***

***I recently was told I needed surgery on my hand, and I asked the doctor if after surgery I would be able to play the bass . "I'm operating on your hand, not giving you a lobotomy!" ***

***"Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the bass after the operation?" "Yes, of course..." Great! I never could before!" ***

*** 10 Ways to drive Guitarists Crazy
1/ Use a whammy bar better than they
2/Consistently use drop D tuning so they can't cheat off your hand position
3/ Use a fancy preamp with nicer sounding distortion and/or FX
4/ mimic all their leads, you can do it better, anyway
5/ Use a Pitch Transposer or Piccollo bass.
6/ constantly remind the guitarist that it takes them 6 strings to do what you can do with 4 {may not work if the guitarist can count past 4 and you have a 5 or 6 string}
7/use an 8 string bass ;)
8/ keep telling them they're out of tune, they usually are.
9/ learn the acrobatics and finger tricks, and do them better
10/have the biggest......floor controller
If you as a bassist do these things correctly, you may achieve the ultimate accolade: The GTR may walk off the stage in midset, leaving you to finish.
If they keep mouthing off, just put some sheet music in front of them, that usually shuts them up...... ***

***A couple goes to see a marriage counselor. They say their marriage is on the rocks because they never speak to each other. The counselor tries to get them to talk, but they just sit there with their arms folded and their mouths closed. He tries playing games. He tries tricking them. Nothing he can do can get them to talk to each other. Finally, he pulls out an electric bass and starts playing a solo. Instantly, the couple turns to each other and starts conversing for the
first time in months.
’How on earth did you know that would work?’ they ask.
’Simple’ he says, ‘Everyone always talks during the bass solo.’***

***For three years, the young bass player had been taking his brief vacations at the same country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, the stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! "Darling, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!" "Well", she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talking and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a bass player."***

***A bass player was hiking in the mountains, and he came upon a shepherd who was tending a large herd of sheep that were grazing in the alpine meadow. The bass player took a fancy to the sheep, and asked the shepherd: "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I have one?"
The shepherd thought this was an odd request, but thought that there was little chance that the man would guess the exact number of sheep, so he said "Sure." The bass player guessed "You have 287 sheep," to the shepherd's astonishment, since this was exactly how many sheep he had. The bass player got all excited and asked "Can I pick out my sheep now?" and the shepherd grudgingly gave his permission. The bass player selected his sheep, bent over, and swung the sheep over his shoulders, to carry home with him.
The shepherd then asked "If I guess what your occupation is, can I have my sheep back?" The bass player was a bit surprised by this, but figured that it was unlikely that the shepherd would be able to guess his occupation, and went along with the deal. The shepherd then guessed "You're a bass player, aren't you?" The bass player was very surprised and asked, "How did you know?"
The shepherd responded, "Put the dog down and we'll talk about it."***

More jokes